Lately I have been telling those around me I feel a little crazy. So much has changed for me/my family in the last nine months and as life around us returns to some resemblance of normalcy (although altered and different), I cannot help feeling a bit disorientated…

The hard part for any family living with a child with a mental illness is that we do not know why or if our child is truly getting stronger or better…

I sat in a board meeting today with professionals I admire volunteering their time to make a difference for children’s mental health and well-being. I learned about the politics involved…for profit/not for profit, financial restraints, a challenged healthcare system and strained resources. All of which our family has felt as we journey with our oldest daughter…even just last night grappling with the idea of taking her to the ER (for the 4th time) because we are running out of options again.

I captured this beautiful image of my littlest tonight and reminded (despite all the noise in our lives), what is truly important…

It is 1 AM Saturday night/Sunday morning. I was tired…and asleep. Anna has been restless tonight and unable to sleep. She has finally settled. I now find myself watching her sleep…watching her chest rise and fall. Protecting her….9 months later…from what…I still have no clue. I gave up on sleep, rolled over and turned on the light on. Grabbed my laptop and started typing…so…here I am…

Last night my husband and I dreaded…feared…a conversation we needed to have with our daughter. We hated the idea of it so much, the potential panic attack, depression and short/long-term impact, that we (not due to avoidance, but by design) waited as long as we could to have the conversation. Wouldn’t you?

I think I have mentioned this before, but parenting a mentally ill child is extremely difficult. You cannot unravel what is behavior, manipulation, pre-teen hormone changes or mental illness…

This week, today, tonight…I am exhausted. Plain and simply exhausted. Today our daughter’s anxiety was high, debilitation apparent, we had multiple care team consults and completed intake paperwork (including updates to our daughter’s health timeline) to initiate a Neuropsyche evaluation. This must be the 10th (or maybe 20th…I have lost count) intake/referral package my husband and I have tackled.

I am reminded tonight that our daughter’s health timeline is powerful - it illustrates her journey and strength…

On a day we celebrate mothers I reflect on what “mom” really means. And for me, this year (like so many others), this job description has changed. I hope all moms find some peace today knowing…quite frankly…that we have all been super heroes and absolutely deserve some grace and a pedicure!

“Reflect on Three Things You are Grateful For”…I know how I would have answered that before our daughter got sick…

A note to my daughter…

Happy 12th birthday, honey! Today friends and family will celebrate you and the beautiful person you are.

This morning we were snuggling and you said half asleep, “Mom, I do not tell you this enough, but thank you.” I am reminded on so many occasion what a special person you are…

I want to clarify for anyone who might question our intent for sharing our story or connecting it to a store. Honestly, we probably share similar questions and concerns and constantly re-evaluate our approach and impact on our family.

We courageously share our journey/story for two reasons: 1) It is healing to write…for all of us. 2) (and most importantly) We saw a need to de-stigmatize mental illness and be a voice for something that is not often talked about…

Today I write because I need to. Not because a few days have passed or I have something to say…simply because I need to. Yesterday was a hard day and I am still reeling. On the outside, no one would know…we, our home, our life looks pretty “normal” (air quotes because really - what is normal, anyway?). On the inside I am sad, scared and uncertain. The bad moments (although less than the good) are a painful reminder that our life is different and our child is sick. This is hard (not going to sugar coat it)….especially when you compare or watch others live the life you used to have…

How many times in life have you thought about doing something completely different? I know I have. What holds you back? I suspect the same things that held me back for so many years. I share my story (who I am, the family behind La Vie Est Belle and how our community/store came to be) in hopes that you might learn from me/us and chase your own dreams without reservation or fear…

Our daughter spent 7 days at a local hospital (admitted via ER) this past fall waiting to be transferred to an in-patient mental health bed. We were terrified we were going to lose her. She was waking up and going to sleep in a panic or state of fight-or-flight…she felt like she could not breathe, chest hurt, loss of sensation in limbs, dizziness, disorientation, headaches…all rolling up to a state of terror I had never in my life witnessed. Our daughter thought she was dying…and if that was not bad enough…she preferred dying over the way she was feeling. Regardless if her symptoms were perceived (symptoms of anxiety and panic) or real…it was her reality. There was/is no comfort in knowing they were not “real”…not for her…not for us…

I am going to keep this one short and sweet. I am wrapped in a blanket, by the fireplace, enjoying a quiet house and a glass of red wine. A rare moment for a family of five. A moment I am cherishing.

Reflecting on our week…it was a hard one. Activities such as fold a load of laundry, attend a dance class or finish a school assignment used to be so simple and often taken for grant it (because they were so simple). Now such events are an accomplishment and something we celebrate.

I cannot help but wonder (like my daughter or others that might walk in our shoes), “Why?”, “Why us?” and “How Come?”

Our daughter lives with anxiety…we watch it. Most of us know it as a feeling of being stressed or nervous. For our daughter…we watch it consume and control her. Almost like a second personality that sometimes decides what kind of day she is going to have (happy, sad, easy or hard), how she will feel, how she will act and even how she might treat others…

I write this entry to my daughter. She took the stage yesterday at a dance competition for the first time in over a year. Her 2nd competition ever. Her first solo. She did it feeling anxious, dizzy and nauseous (her meds and illness at play on top of your typical nerves before any competition)…but she also did it with courage, determination and Grace (and I mean both elegance and her dear friend, Grace.

To My Daughter,

I reflect back to September and our time in the hospital…

For the first time since September 2020, our daughter will be front and center. She will be dancing at her first dance competition in over a year, 2nd ever and 1st solo…her only dance this year. But I need to pause here for second and step back to provide some additional context….

So…guessing you may have thought that this quote was from my oldest daughter who is courageously braving mental illness or maybe from me…possibly my husband. But no…not us…

Well, you think I would have “who I want to become” figured out by now (did you see what I did there…skirted my actual age). I did have it ALL figured out in my early 20s (or we all think so)…priorities began to change in my 30s (enter marriage and children)…and now in my 40s (mid-life)…heck…I have no clue! Then…insert (out of the blue) something ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY not apart of the “plan” (our daughter’s mental illness)…anything you thought you had figured out…changes again. I guess one might call this “life”…

I have had a hard day. It should not have been a hard day and probably really wasn’t. Some days just feel easier than others…maybe I am reminded more on some days than others that things are different than they were at this same time last year.

Day started out with the planning and execution of a birthday party for our golden retriever, Finnley. There were homemade doggie cupcakes (which I learned later both the children and dogs ate - oh boy), treat bags, streamers, balloons and gifts (from the neighbor dogs, of course). At one point there were 7 kids and 4 dogs in my garage…yep, chaos and lots of barking…