“Just Hit the Darn Ball”

For the first time since September 2020, our daughter will be front and center. She will be dancing at her first dance competition in over a year, 2nd ever and 1st solo…her only dance this year. But I need to pause here for second and step back to provide some additional context….

Our daughter started out as a ballet dancer and has since transitioned to competitive dance.. But…barely. When we moved in 2019 she transitioned dance schools. She danced one competition, Covid hit and her previous dance studio unfortunately and sadly did not make it. She transitioned to a new studio in Lakeland last summer, tried out for their company team amongst girls she did not know, made the team and got sick. Sadly, we had to make a decision in December to pull her from the company or competitive group dances. I knew then and I still know today it was the right decision for our daughter and her team, but the decision is still difficult even now. (For my husband and I it is/was never about our daughter being the best or competing in the most dances.…it is/was a sense of community, belonging, joy and pride.) We asked her dance studio if she could have a solo - an opportunity to dance and heal. Our wonderful studio agreed and our daughter started slowly dancing again.

At 7:21 pm this Saturday evening our daughter will walk on stage to perform her solo (Alicia Keys - “Back to Life” - purposefully chosen). Sadly she has had panic attacks at her last two solo practices and has not danced much in the last few weeks yet competing against girls that are dancing 8 hours a week. My natural instinct as a mom is to protect her. We suggested she compete a level lower (wanted her to have and feel success). We offered her the opportunity to wait another month to get and feel stronger.

I learned a powerful lesson this week. Our daughter’s panic was not out of fear - fear of failure, forgetting her dance or having a panic attack on the stage and running off. I learned those fears were mine and mine alone. I made an assumption that my daughter shared the same fears and I was protecting her by offering her alternatives. Our daughter does not have reservations about being on stage or failure. Instead she did not understand why we did not believe she could do it when she believed she could. Darn it…I got that one all wrong. I then told my daughter a story….

I grew up an avid tennis player. Gosh, I do not recall when I started playing - about the time I was able to hold a racquet. My parents invested a lot of time and money to give me every opportunity to play and be great (private lessons, camps and tournaments). By the time I was a senior in high school I had been playing tennis for over ten years and probably 2-4 hours a day. But, during my senior year I got into my head (I was letting everyone down) and could no longer hit the ball. I had a horrible season and moved from first player to 3rd or 4th on the team (a position I had held in 7th and 8th grade). We were at Regionals and I was losing a match I should not have been losing and watching my tennis career slowly come to an abrupt end. I still remember the moment (30 years later) - that cognitive decision to simply “hit the darn ball” - what did I have to lose? But I did know…I had a lot to gain…and not a medal, but a sense of pride and accomplishment. I hit the ball over and over…and eventually made it to the MN State Tennis Tournament. I learned I was letting no one down. Instead they wanted to protect me, but I needed them to believe in me.

I told my daughter to get on that stage Saturday and “just hit the darn ball!” I have no doubt she will and she will be amazing! I am going to stop protecting her and start empowering her. I suspect it might be hard, but what do we have to lose? But….we have so much to gain!!