Reflect on Three Things You are Grateful For

“Reflect on Three Things You are Grateful For”…I know how I would have answered that before our daughter got sick…and without pause…my job/career, my husband/family and our health. Two of three are very much still true today. But, as I sit here and reflect on my oldest daughter’s mid-week dance competition and my youngest daughter’s surgery today, I realize that there was a time in my life…my professional career…that I would have been unable to attend one or both (and if inability to attend was reality, perception or guilt…decision or outcome would have been the same). A time in my life that I identified myself by what I did and not who I was or what I valued. And if I had attended…I know I would not have been present…buried in emails, phone calls and trying to be important. Many others balance mom and career better than me…I was quite frankly…horrible at it.

So today…at a much different time in my life, I reflect very differently on “Three Things I am Most Grateful For” and realize again that our oldest daughter’s journey has quietly re-centered our lives and priorities in the background of a year full of challenges.

I am grateful to be present in my children’s lives. I make my children breakfast before school (eggs, waffles, pancakes, sausage). I know that my son read his essay to his class yesterday. I know my daughter rode a horse named “Pepper” at her riding lesson. I know my youngest had two blue popsicles at the hospital followed by a bag of goldfish. I know my son and his grandpa rode bikes yesterday afternoon stopping for an ice cream cone along the way. I know my oldest daughter made homemade bread with her grandma. My son made a solar system at Cub Scouts and my littlest and I snuggled before bed. There was a time in my life that these simple observations/activities would have been peripheral to my career and other demands on my time…I am grateful they are now front-and-center.

I am grateful for a greater sense of peace and calm. Anyone who knows me or our busy family would argue the idea of “peace” within 10 miles of our house. I might tend to agree, so I better elaborate. I am at peace knowing what is really important to our family and finally putting these values ahead of careers/personal aspirations and the golden handcuffs we may have been bound by. Instead of trying to fit our family into our careers and a lifestyle, we are now designing our life and careers around our family…even integrating them. And not just talking…finally doing. Interesting that feeling like we had nothing to loose forced a changed hand…and honestly…if we had not changed…everything we had would have been lost.

I am grateful to know who I am and the legacy I will leave my children. Pivoting your life is terrifying…especially with the unknowns of a child braving a mental illness. But more than any other time in my life I am confident in who I am and the legacy I will leave my children. I hope my children will remember “mom” being home as I remember my mom being home and the sense of stability it provided. I will forever cherish the opportunity to be our oldest daughter’s care provider…there is so much beauty to be found even in some of the darkest moments. I hope our children might truly understand and appreciate the opportunity to be a voice and influence on the stigmas of mental illness….that someday a child, adolescent, family or individual might benefit from our story, donations from our store or a bear on a hospital bed. I hope they lead with empathy, kindness and compassion recognizing differences might simply need to be better heard and understood. The legacy we leave our children will not be grandiose, but I am hopeful the simplicity of living a life full of happiness, love and servitude is someday recognized as an even greater gift.