Let Go of What has Passed.

Lately I have been telling those around me I feel a little crazy. So much has changed for me/my family in the last nine months and as life around us returns to some resemblance of normalcy (although altered and different), I cannot help feeling a bit disorientated.

I can honestly say that I have never been more certain about who I am and what my purpose is…or that I need a purpose. Caring for my daughter, starting a store that feeds my soul, raising money for non-profits supporting children’s mental health, being a voice or support for others braving a mental illness and serving on the PrairieCare Fund Board of Directors has brought me so much joy and meaning in my life. I have finally figured out how to truly integrate work and life. So, darn it, why do I feel lost again?

As our daughter’s mental health changes or evolves I find myself less confident in our path forward or even in what we think we know or understand to be true. I mentioned in my previous blog that our daughter is stronger. Medication, coping mechanisms, familiarity with her illness and environmental/routine changes might be helping. If you met her, you would never know she was braving a mental illness. I know this might sound strange, but at times I feel crazy for caring so much, for this need to protect her differently than my other children…for pivoting my life. However, today was another reminder that she still struggles and different from other children. Because I too more often forget…I am caught by surprise and more often find myself emotionally unprepared.

We are currently in Colorado visiting family and headed up into the mountains today for a night in Breckenridge. We had just arrived only 30 minutes. earlier before taking a short walk to the base of Peak 8 for lunch. After 10 minutes, our daughter was in distress. Dizziness, stomach felt numb, trembling, weakness and disorientation. She advised me she did not feel anxious or thinking of anything that might cause anxiety or panic. Instead, I watched as dizziness induced anxiety that was quickly evolving into a state of panic.

Not really knowing or understanding, it appeared that the high altitude triggered somatic symptoms caused by hypoxia (oxygen deficiency), such as breathlessness, palpitations and dizziness.. Most of the symptoms our daughter was feeling are identical to those she experiences during panic attacks or moments of severe anxiety. So, in this case, I believe the symptoms initiated by high altitude actually began to increase her anxiety inducing panic and debilitation. It is also in these moments that we see age regression and/or executive functioning impairment.

Still, after so many months and more panic attacks than I care to count, I still do not know how to confidently parent escalated situations. In this particular case in the mountains, do I insist my child power through the high altitude symptoms and watch as she struggles to stand or walk? Do I insist she needs to eat lunch and take the gamble that my child will not have a severe panic attack in public resulting in additional intervention? Do I rush my daughter down the mountain to alleviate the high altitude symptoms knowing it is a decision that will impact the day for an entire family? I honestly do not know the right answer and continue to be so frustrated by this.

So, I feel a little disorientated. I am proud of who I am, but lost a bit of my identity when I paused my career and still struggle with that today. I do not feel confident in my ability to parent my daughter and often wonder how much good or harm is being done as we try to rationalize, support and discipline irrational behavior. I question the store and the gamble I took to feed my heart and soul during a time of sadness and loss. I now struggle more about what to write because I feel our story is a bit of broken record…despite that the same broken record illustrates the journey and struggle with mental illness.

I might need to let go of what has passed to move forward. Meaning…protect my daughter a little less, so she can grow stronger and more confident in who she is today (versus holding onto who she was). Parent her more and more like I would my other children trusting she can manage her anxiety and panic better than she could in the past. Have more confidence in who I am today and the value I add without the corporate title and job description I too often used to describe myself when introduced. I look forward to tomorrow without the fear and uncertainty the past has caused realizing the blessings and strength that have found us when not looking.