What We See Depends on What We Look For.

It is happy hour at the lake…4 pm, Memorial Day weekend in Alexandria, MN. And although a happy hour does mean a glass of wine, possibly some appetizers and a pontoon ride, today it simply and wonderfully means the sun is shining on the first weekend at the lake for our family in quite some time. My niece and nephews are playing in the water and my younger kids are enjoying a quiet moment with me in a bedroom with big picture windows that overlook the lake. My husband is making pesto in the kitchen to serve with steak…a fan favorite for our littlest 6th birthday party (yes, it is unicorn themed and our littlest daughter is wearing an unicorn costume complete with head, tail and wings…all rainbow, of course.) A pretty blessed and beautiful moment…because it is ours…our happy place/space.

Not much has changed at the lake. A few repairs and adjustments one always sees when opening the lake home or cabin in the spring. Kids are a little taller (maybe in different swimsuits), the dock might be leaning just a little more to the right, pontoon is once again full of towels and there is a new jet ski in the water. Generally…at this moment…all seems right and as it should be. I am grateful to be together and for the familiar sounds of people playing on the lake.

In this moment it is easy to forget that an hour ago our oldest daughter had a panic attack on the boat (suddenly forcing all of us back home)…a very real and unwelcomed reminder that life has indeed changed for our family. But I am also starting to find that as our daughter starts to get a little stronger and “episodes” are gratefully farther apart (maybe days…even a week…rather than hours), I find myself a little more lost in purpose and direction…even feeling a little crazy for wanting/needing to protect her as I do. I have been living in this changed reality for a length of time now and uncomfortably finding myself a little confused/unsure how to move forward as some “normalcy” returns to our lives…and maybe for all of us (in some capacity) if you consider the impact and changes Covid has imposed on our lives and way of thinking.

But the funny thing is (but actually not that funny at all) is that as soon as you feel a little more confident, a little more comfortable…possibly some peace in your life and let down your guard…your child that is a braving a mental illness suddenly and without warning is having a panic attack in the middle of the lake. You find yourself in a new situation (yet again) and racing the boat home because you are afraid of both the “what ifs” you have already experienced and feasibly jarring experience for her cousins. Gratefully today our daughter’s episode was short and less explosive than most.

The hard part for any family living with a child with a mental illness is that we do not know why or if our child is truly getting stronger. I am not sure our daughter will get better, but she and we may be learning to accept and live with/manage her anxiety and panic resulting in fewer high stress/crisis situations. BUT, she is heavily medicated and we have removed all the triggers that cause her anxiety and panic. She cannot and does not attend school. She cannot and does not attend group dance practices. We cannot attend the children’s museum or the zoo. Cold water and a go-kart race today threw her into anxious moments resulting in one panic attack and a near miss later in the day. She lives in a fairly safe and protective bubble, but relatively ok 95% of the time. Would you consider our daughter better? I honestly do not know how to answer the question.

So, how to feel, what to believe and how to simply be remain confusing, but for different and changing reasons as we help our child and family navigate an evolving mental illness. I guess what we see depends on what we look for. I pray my husband and I are looking for the right things…our daughter’s mental health and healing depends on what we see and communicate to those around her (be it doctors, family, friends…even strangers). It is hard when others are looking for something different. They cannot help what they see and I cannot help feeling a bit lost in the discrepancy.