There is No “One Right Way” to Be

Our daughter lives with anxiety…we watch it. Most of us know it as a feeling of being stressed or nervous. For our daughter…we watch it consume and control her. Almost like a second personality that sometimes decides what kind of day she is going to have (happy, sad, easy or hard), how she will feel, how she will act and even how she might treat others. She is not always even aware or in control of her emotions and actions. And…anytime we are making medication adjustments…it is even worse. Doctors refer to the change in behavior as the “black box label warning” - increased anxiety, increased depression, increased suicidal thoughts, increased panic….basically….it spells “not fun”. We often wonder if it is worth it.

Our daughter had an amazing weekend conquering her dance competition. And even more important - she felt like she was apart of the team again - even if just for a moment. She was herself or as close to herself as we had seen in months. The fairytale crashed on Monday. Enter “reality” and med change (note black box warning above). Sadly we have two med changes over the next 4 weeks, so month ahead will be tough. While our daughter’s peers might be looking forward to the upcoming dance competitions, end of the school year and the promise of warmer weather, our daughter is looking forward to being past medication changes that make her feel sick and not act like herself.

Our daughter did not place in the Top 5 Overalls for her solo…her hope…the rest of us were still celebrating her victory of simply getting on the stage this past weekend. Although our daughter recognized the accomplishment…what was our goal…was not hers. She still holds onto who she was and the potential of who she can be. The hard part as a child and parent…right now (present day) is different.

I sat in the back of the studio celebration. I was not like the other moms in the audience who were there to simply celebrate their children. I was there to celebrate our daughter, but also as a care provider. I had a few minutes to be just “mom” until our daughter started crashing in the front row of 30 dancers when she realized she had not placed. I do not believe her change in emotion was about placing. This may be what others saw and even what her words reflected. But instead, I believe it was the sudden reality or consequence of being sick and not being physically and mentally able to dance as much as her peers. I watched her anxiety start to consume her and panic setting in illustrated by rocking and trembling. I watched as her friends tried to console her and hurt set in as they realized there was nothing they could do. I had to remove our daughter from the studio. What is worse for a 11-year-old girl - your mom removing you from a public setting or having a public panic attack?

Our daughter cried…in the car on the way…at home. Really really cried. We just let her be with her sadness and loss (and I mean the last six months and life as we know it now). We told her to be sad and mad tonight, but tomorrow she had a choice. She could either give up or continue to fight. One is certainly easier than the other, but I hope she continues to fight and realizes along the way that there is no “one right way” to be, but it can be just as beautiful and amazing!

Additional note: If my entries feel up, down, right or left…I write about what is real, what is front-and-center, and when emotions are raw. At this point in time, I do not have a content plan or strategy - that might evolve with time and maturity. I purposefully share “the real and right now” to educate and bring visibility to what living with a child/children braving a mental illness looks like and feels like. Our family found there is a fair amount of information available about what a mental illness is, symptoms and even how you might approach treatment. There was very little available about the emotional impact, how it felt for family/friends/community living with and supporting a loved one with mental illness. I share to educate, reduce stigmas and decrease un-knowns that might form the wrong assumptions and even create apprehension and fear. When we are sick (let’s say a “cold”)…we are the same person…we simply do not feel good and might behave differently (more sleep, lots of tissues for our runny nose, inability to work or go to school, headache…etc.). Living with a mental illness is no different. These individuals are still themselves (personality, aspirations and goals)…they simply do not feel well and behave differently. We need to always take care to love them as they are and meet them where they might be.