Don’t Let Fear Block Your Blessings

Last night my husband and I dreaded…feared…a conversation we needed to have with our daughter. We hated the idea of it so much, the potential panic attack, depression and short/long-term impact, that we (not due to avoidance, but by design) waited as long as we could to have the conversation. Wouldn’t you?

I think I have mentioned this before, but parenting a mentally ill child is extremely difficult. You cannot unravel what is behavior, manipulation, pre-teen hormone changes or mental illness. Obviously, how you parent a given situation might look very different if behavior/manipulation versus an illness. Not knowing how to parent, you often wonder…and despite every best intention and love beyond measure…am I helping my child, harming my child, setting them up for success or failure coupled with a dose of depression? Where is that darn handbook for parenting, anyway? I know I have asked in an earlier blog for this guide book. Anyone find it yet?

So, back to last night…

We needed to address “dance”. So, you might understand the significance of this conversation….our daughter has been dancing since she was three (she is now 12). She may have danced before she walked. It has never been about how good she is or the number/size of trophies…dance is simply apart of who she is and what she does…making this conversation that much harder.

For reasons we do not and may never understand, our daughter has been able to dance competitively at competitions. However, she is no longer able to attend dance practices…in-person or virtual from home. What was a healing activity for her this past winter following her hospitalization has become a source of anxiety resulting in debilitating panic leading to the rare ability to attend and participate in dance practices. Watching your daughter fear something she loves…try to walk through the door of a studio and community she has felt grateful to be a part of…is beyond painful. And then hit the repeat button every week…at least twice…not easy for any of us. Simply confusing beyond measure.

I wish I could put into words how hard it is to watch your daughter unable to do something she has naturally done for years…and not because she is physically unable (she is perfectly able…I have watched her when she thought no one was looking)…but because her mind prevents her in anxious situations by throwing all her senses into fight-or-flight. I often watch our daughter cry as she tries to fight complete and utter debilitation. Her heart wants to dance, but her mind simply will not let her. She is literally trapped in her own body.

We sat our daughter down together (my husband and I). Yes, good parenting 101, but in reality we needed the emotional support and prepared for the physical reaction that might occur. (We even went so far as to contact those our daughter might reach out to in a possible panic following our conversation to prepare them in advance.) We advised our daughter that we felt it was best to pause dance and focus on healing. An opportunity to get really strong for the upcoming school year and dance season. (Back to that missing handbook…good advice for a healthy child….potentially unfair and harmful advice for an ill child.) News delivered…we braced ourselves…and waited.

Our daughter surprised us. She cried…sadly and gratefully she cried. Crying is a rational response. Crying means our daughter’s mind was still online. In this rare and rational moment, our daughter reminded us how important dance is to her. That despite the irrational fear, she needed and wanted to attend practices..to compete…to go to nationals in Texas this coming June. She pleaded with us to help her. So, despite our own exhaustion around watching our daughter struggle, we agreed to hold her hand while she bravely faced her fears.

Why do I tell this story? I am learning every day how important it is to not let fear block our blessings…our dreams…our aspirations. I watch a young girl every day power through debilitating fear holding on with all her strength to who she is and who she wants to be…rather than allowing herself to be held back by her illness today. I am not sure how this story will end or if she will make it to the national dance competition in Texas. But, I do know, without a doubt, that my daughter is the bravest person I know.