It Doesn’t Get Easier, but You Get Stronger

Today I write because I need to. Not because a few days have passed or I have something to say…simply because I need to. Yesterday was a hard day and I am still reeling. On the outside, no one would know…we, our home, our life looks pretty “normal” (air quotes because really - what is normal, anyway?). On the inside I am sad, scared and uncertain. The bad moments (although less than the good) are a painful reminder that our life is different and our child is sick. This is hard (not going to sugar coat it)….especially when you compare or watch others live the life you used to have.

Yesterday and last Monday our daughter had pretty severe panic attacks leaving a counseling session. Unfortunately, these panic attacks happened in the car, which is both difficult and dangerous for my daughter and I. You have to remember panic attacks are a state of irrational fear and the body automatically goes into a state of fight-or-flight (most often uncontrollable). If an attack happens in the car, our daughter wants to flee the car or “run away from”. A natural response for something that is causing fear or pain. However, for the parent or care provider driving the car, pulling over or stopping is not always in the best interest of the driver and child.

We did pull over once out of concern for the safety of our other two children in the car, but quickly realized we just let a child in an irrational state of fear run from the car…how were we going to get her back in the car and would she run into traffic or simply run away? Thankfully in this situation I had my husband to help me. Yesterday and last Monday it was just me.

I did not know then and still do not know today the right decision, but instinct tells me to get my daughter and myself to a safe place. So, yesterday and last Monday I drove with my arm held like a barrier between her and I for protection. Our daughter screamed, hit the car, hit me, bit me, yelled and screamed out the window, “someone help me”, and grabbed the steering wheel at 55 mph a couple of times in an attempt to pull the car over. When stopped at a light and your daughter is pounding windows with her fists, hitting the dashboard with her feet and screaming for help out the window, it is difficult to not feel judged and fear a potential intervention if the situation was misread.

So…with this context…

…please do not judge for me for not pulling over. A parked car at the side of a highway in the middle of nowhere with a panicked child could result in an irreversible accident involving my child and others. I could never forgive myself.

…please do not judge me for keeping her home when she should be in school. Trust me, the lost year has broke our hearts and scares our daughters. We are doing everything we can to get her back to school. She was an “A” student with not one disciplinary mark, but we have learned she may have been bullied.

…please do not judge me for allowing her to compete in her dance competitions even though she is not attending dance classes. I cannot count all the tears in an effort to get her to class, the number of notes to her teachers, or how many times we have sat in the car or in the lobby…just steps away. I do not understand why she can compete and why classes are causing panic attacks. You have no idea how much I wish I understood to help my daughter and to explain to others. Trust we re-evaluate every day.

…please do not judge me if I think I can safely put her on an airplane to see her cousins in CO (her birthday wish). My brother is a nurse and we are staying in his home. But, a trip to Texas for Dance Nationals may not be feasible because I am not in a safe place, with family and in a very public setting (hotel and convention center). Again, intervention can be both welcomed and terrifying. I realize none of this is very rational or makes much sense…trust me…I know.

…please do not judge me or others for not knowing how to parent a mentally ill child. Each day there are new hurdles and uncertainty. I am not sure it gets easier or if one gets stronger. I have to believe and hold onto the faith that sooner or later…I will be stronger…and it might even get just a little easier. Trust all the other families supporting a child (young or older) braving a mental illness might say the same thing and always assume good intent. Please lead with care and compassion…do not be quick to judge.

(Note to our family and friends: You are all AMAZING! We have always felt loved and supported in all and every way. This was written for everyone who does not know us or ever crossed paths with a family or child living with a mental illness for education and context. And in general, I certainly think the world could benefit from a lot more care and compassion….certainly we would all benefit from much less judgement.)