Who Do You Want to Become?

Well, you think I would have “who I want to become” figured out by now (did you see what I did there…skirted my actual age). I did have it ALL figured out in my early 20s (or we all think so)…priorities began to change in my 30s (enter marriage and children)…and now in my 40s (mid-life)…heck…I have no clue! Then…insert (out of the blue) something ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY not apart of the “plan” (our daughter’s mental illness)…anything you thought you had figured out…changes again. I guess one might call this “life”.

I need to paint a little picture. I am a type A first-born. A driver. Did I mention I was a driver…I always had a plan and goals. Rarely did I let myself fail (I worked really hard not to fail). My husband and I lived in our dream neighborhood, near family and in a beautifully remodeled home. By 40 I became a Vice President and served on the Operating Board of a $200M global company. The BEST thing - I loved the company, my job and team I worked with. I was extremely lucky and blessed! I had three beautiful children, wonderful husband and completely impractical (but super fun!) BMW convertible (bucket list item, what can I say?!). I had it all or everything I had identified in “the plan”. BUT, I never saw my husband and children, spent time in my beautiful home or enjoyed my convertible on sunny days because I was working or traveling. And this was mostly on me - refer back to being a driver and hating to fail.

We did something most today probably do not or will not understand. We pivoted our “perfect” life in our attempt to re-prioritize and simplify. We recognized we had to put our family first and make adjustments that could allow one of us to step back and be home and available for our children. At a time in our life when we were on the “top of our game” we sold our beautiful home and left a community we loved. We did this to simplify our life and live more intentionally or to be present everyday. We wanted flexibility for the “what-if” rather than to be tied to a lifestyle.

Reflecting back, I wonder if somewhere deep down we knew “life” was about to change and this change would have a significant impact on our daughter/family. I am so grateful for those decisions we made two years ago that allows me to stay home with my daughter and other two children today. I am not going to lie…still some really hard moments and loss around who I was. I loved business strategy and operations, sense of team, professional relationships and development, professional dinners/events, sense of accomplishment…I loved the energy, drive and competitive nature. But, I did not always like who I was (due to stress and trying to balance it all…trying to be the perfect working mom and wife).

Today…I do not live for the weekends…I live everyday. I know my children and their little idiosyncrasies that make them special. I walk the dog. I talk to my husband when I want to rather than scheduling a time when our calendars allow. I run every day and practice being mindful. I have time to share my story and read to my children.

So, do I know who I want to become yet? I am not sure… BUT, I can advise on what is really important to me…my family, being involved in something I am passionate about, proud of who I am and to make an impact or difference. I guess that is a start and I should be thankful for this small bit of clarity. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Today I am going to play with my children.