Accept this Moment and Find Peace

I have had a hard day. It should not have been a hard day and probably really wasn’t. Some days just feel easier than others…maybe I am reminded more on some days than others that things are different than they were at this same time last year.

Day started out with the planning and execution of a birthday party for our golden retriever, Finnley. There were homemade doggie cupcakes (which I learned later both the children and dogs ate - oh boy), treat bags, streamers, balloons and gifts (from the neighbor dogs, of course). At one point there were 7 kids and 4 dogs in my garage…yep, chaos and lots of barking!

While the kids played and the dogs barked (and I prayed all were accounted for), I spent the afternoon connecting with my daughter’s medical team, our mental health case manager, various school partners and later in the day her dance studio. Now, all these partners I just mentioned - they are AMAZING! Truly. It took time, but we are now surrounded by a wonderful team of people that help support our daughter’s mental health needs and overall well-being. We are extremely fortunate and grateful!

But, truth-be-told, I wish my daughter did not need a “team”. I do not want to spend my afternoons and evenings on the phone or in email advocating for her. I want to be in the garage playing with my children. Reading a book just for fun. A run around the trails of Lake Elmo or a glass of wine on the porch. Anything, but being reminded that things are different. That life for all of us is different.

Six months ago we were in crisis. It was about survival. Tomorrow it will be our desire to protect our daughter/about keeping her safe as we begin re-entry into spaces beyond her immediate comfort circle. Today I struggle to know how to get her to “tomorrow” because she has been so protected or guarded. I am noticing she is getting stronger every day and how we care for her and support her has to evolve with her. She needs to know life as she knew it still exists with all the same opportunities as her peer group or what existed prior to 9/16/20. She does not want to be forgotten, lost in the shuffle or to be treated differently…yet she is. And my hope is someday my daughter sees how wonderfully different, strong and special she truly is.

Everyday I remind myself to accept this moment and find peace in it. My day was hard and life is different. But, I remind myself there are many many “good” different things too.