The Toughest Soldiers are Given the Hardest Missions

So, how do you parent a child that was an “A” student (now cannot go to school without a public panic attack and missed her entire 6th grade year)…a competitive dancer (I only mention because she is more brave than most of us to get on stage and dance multiple dances in front of strangers. In two weeks we hope to get her on stage for the first time in a year for a single dance.)…and generally a child that has lived a pretty blessed life with no reason to fear or not to believe in the “happy ending” (now I am asked all the time, “Why me?” and “Am I going to die?”.) How do you parent this sudden and new reality? Again, Anna went into a well-child check on 9/16 the girl I describe above and left her appointment in a panic she is just now slowly recovering from six months later.

Well, there once again is no magic manual for parenting in this situation (if anyone finds that darn manual, will you let me know?) I can assure you without a doubt that we made a lot of mistakes trying our very best to do the right thing. I look back and wish maybe we could do some things over in our attempts to help our daughter, but many remind me we can only go forward.

For reference and education…a panic attack can last minutes or hours. A person goes into an irrational state of fear. In some cases symptoms can present first almost seizure-like (uncontrollable body movements, eyes closed or they do not see, brain functions disassociate or go off-line, inability to speak). They enter a state of fight-or-flight…and WILL fight (hit anything and everything) and WILL flee…we have found her hiding in unusual places (once under our snow blower in the garage) and trying to leave the house (a couple of times in her pjs in sub-zero temps). Our daughter often mentions “life does not feel real”, her heart hurts, chest hurts, she cannot breathe, dizziness, loss of sensations in limbs, tingling sensation in hands/feet, and a feeling of being “hot”. Can you imagine living with this? Regardless if symptoms are real, they are her reality and feel VERY real to her.

Sometimes a panic attack can start or look like a temper tantrum and that is where the confusion lies. How you parent a temper tantrum and a panic attack are very different, but as parents we have only had experience parenting a temper tantrum. We often have to remind ourselves that we cannot rationalize with a person who is currently irrational given brain functions that have momentarily gone off-line. Our daughter has taught us. She often reminds us to be kind, soft, quiet and patient. Once again, I am reminded how much she is teaching us everyday…and not just for her, but for so many others.

So there is the acute anxiety and panic attacks, but there is also “loss”. Anna missed her 6th grade year, her dance team dances without her, she loss some innocence (sadly witnessed a child trying to commit suicide during a hospital stay) and she simply does not feel good, so everything she does takes a bit more energy and never certain. How do I protect her from the downstream impacts or effects of all of this? And I am talking about everything from ongoing depression to “what grade and what school next year?”. One public panic attack in school could be devastating.

I am guessing many before me (and like my friends and family) will tell me I cannot protect her from every and all. I can teach her and give her strength/build courage. I thought the last six months were hard, but re-entry may be just as hard and for different reasons. I wonder if it feels harder for her or for me and my desire to protect her.

After my daughter came home from one of her hospital stays she put a note on my desk. It read, “God gives the toughest soldiers the hardest missions.” My daughter reminds me everyday how tough and special she is. I remind her she is meant to be and do something EVEN greater than before. I still have this little note on my bulletin board in my office. It helps me/us accept where we are at and look forward to tomorrow.