Tomorrow our family will be participating in a media event…an opportunity to tell our story with our daughter. A story that will be shared with the public later this month. I truly wish we did not have a story to tell…but we do. I truly wish the story did not need to be told…but it does. I wish more than anything telling the story is not so hard…but it is. But what I am grateful for…my daughter’s ask to share and courage/bravery that inspires me everyday. It is not our ask or story to share…it is not anyone else’s story…it is our daughter’s.

The beach teaches that just because you can’t see the sun in your life, it is still there. You must take it on faith. Each sunrise represents a fresh start and a new opportunity - to conceive and pursue a dream, to help someone or to reach out for help.

As our daughter’s new reality back in the “real world” unfolds, I watch her show-up differently to different people.

In one aspect of our daughter’s life she is flourishing! Situation is new and those around her are new.

In another aspect of our daughter’s life she is struggling and behavior is drastically different.

My personality and nature is often to quick to judge or even just perceive what I think or want to see. I might more often than I should see my daughter and others in the second light I describe above. Instead I might need to examine myself.

I am proud of our daughter…for her courage, awareness, honesty and desire to address challenges head-on. I am learning from her…sometimes I wonder if I am learning more from her than she is learning from me. But, she is 12 and growing/learning/making mistakes…like each of us (despite our age)…every day. We talk about harnessing our “greatness”.

Today I need to let it be and to simply just “be”. Week was a mix of wonderful moments and some really hard moments…I am both grateful and exhausted.

…we continue to tell our daughter the only way is through. She will have to work twice as hard as anyone else in many aspects of her life…not just dance. Yes, last year was unfair and we are not sure “why her”. But, we tell her she cannot go back, dwell on the past or even hope to be the girl she once was…she can only go forward. She has a choice everyday and is responsible for how she shows up…

The anniversary of 9/16/20 or the day that changed our life is just 4 days away…this coming Thursday. The day our oldest experienced her first panic attack that transcended into an ugly panic disorder that sent our life into a tailspin we did not know how to pull out of. I wonder how the day will feel…I wonder if I will notice…I wonder if my daughter, husband or children will notice.

A quick note this week and it might feel a little random. My thoughts are all over the place. Despite my best efforts to get my thoughts to cooperate and fall into some resemblance of an organized formation…I am giving up (or let’s call it “embracing authenticity”). Like so many other aspects of my life…I am simply rolling with it.

I am off to meet my mother and daughter for a little shopping and brunch. It is so easily and quickly forgotten what a luxury such a simple activity is…

…my daughter and I ran across a worn (but purposefully forgotten) sheet of paper stuffed in the back of her small white desk in the corner of her bedroom. We were cleaning her desk in preparation for her return to school Tuesday (August 31, 2021) - a HUGE milestone (maybe the biggest) since September 16, 2020 or the last day she attended 6th grade.

Robin Hasslen is a wife, mother and grandmother. She has spent her 76 years parenting (her own and numerous foster children), teaching, farming, biking, reading, and volunteering. She grew up in South Carolina and Vermont, studied in Pennsylvania, built a one room abode in a Kentucky holler, farmed for 50 years in Minnesota and now lives in North Carolina. And she has been grateful for every place she has lived, every day she has been given, and every person who has impacted her life.

Robin (my first guest writer) writes…

So, after nearly a year, I think I am ready and it is time to weave in other stories, voices and perspectives into the conversation. I suspect you might be getting bored of hearing only from me (laughs, but true). Honestly, I am not sure I was ready to allow others to have a voice yet, but as our daughter continues to grow stronger and I start moving forward in bigger and more ways…it is time. I am ready to let other aspects of my life take priority and a greater focus. BUT, before I do just that…I want you to hear from our daughter. Nearly one year later, she asked to tell her story and share what she learned…in her voice….not mine. So, I asked her the following questions…

One of my best and dearest friends said to me Friday night, “You are amazing. And crazy. But those go hand in hand, I think. Most amazing people have to tackle crazy to find their amazing.” Laughs…not sure I am amazing…I am simply surviving like most. Crazy…probably…most definitely. But, when times are hard or life throws you a loop, you have no other choice but to find your way in a different way…

I have been crying for two hours. And many of you might feel my tears are unnecessary and situation is undeserving. But, for others that have similar journeys, I know you understand I have no control over the emotions that have overcome me…

Throughout this entire journey I have not talked much about my other two children. I am curious if you even knew I had two other children…a boy and a girl. The thought saddens me. Unfairly this past year they often have found themselves in the shadows of their older sister. Two beautiful children that quietly demonstrated strength and resilience during a time they did not understand, sometimes feared, and often felt anger toward due to the unfairness of it all.

At the end of another week, I reflect on the importance of resilience and fortitude. A quote from Robert Frost, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

But, I am not talking about the obvious resilience and fortitude needed when caring for a child or loved one that has fallen ill…these characteristics are a given…there is no other way. I am talking about the undeniable need for resilience and fortitude in the space of taking care of “you”.

Reflecting back, we made so many mistakes in our highest and best efforts to help our daughter. Mistakes I am fairly confident made her worse. I do not mention this from a place of guilt or regret (although any parent would wish for a “do over” with additional knowledge and experience), but I am sharing the following so others might learn from us/our experience.

It is 4th of July weekend and I am sitting on my parent’s dock pondering the idea of “a beautiful life”. A fairly deep thought for a holiday weekend, but vacations are known to be a time for reflection and being present with those you love and/or doing something you love.

A friend said something to me earlier this week…something that stays with me and causes me to pause…often. She said, “Kristin, your daughter is not going to ‘get past’ her mental illness.” And like a few others in my life, I think she was gently saying that I need to accept where my daughter is at, who she is now and how that will continue to impact our lives moving forward…

I am reading the book, “Limitless” by Mallory Weggemann (a Paralympic gold medalist). Her introductory words resonate deeply and occupy my thoughts…

Our oldest daughter has been amazing…beyond amazing…personality, light, executive functioning, maturity, independence returning more and more each day…and suddenly I do not have the same need to write or for healing as I did just months ago. I realize I feel genuinely good and at peace for the first time in a really long time. It hits me that, although I know my family is on a journey (we all are), it is gratefully and frustratingly true that time can heal…and time cannot be rushed.

I have a new hypothesis about our daughter’s mental health and experience. Sadly, a hunch that might only make sense after we have ruled out so many other medical diagnoses…

A note to my daughter…

Honey, over the last nine months I have watched you struggle, brave and grow. I think you are quite possibly one of the bravest and strongest persons I know…wise beyond your years. I do believe your journey with mental health has taught you more than many of us can appreciate and understand…even at many years beyond your age. I hope despite all the challenges you have experienced in the last year, you someday reflect on the gift you have been given…your super power…but, let’s catch the others up…