Your Greatness Won’t Look Like Theirs.

Last week was hard. Our daughter swirled a little with the anniversary of her hospitalization upon us. Change of colors, fall scents, pumpkin bread, pictures of then and now…all reminders that her life is changed…a life she did not choose, but now lives. In addition, she had a bad cold…aside from all the struggles of simply having a cold during a pandemic…being sick for someone suffering from acute anxiety only exasperates things. It is a trigger or reminder “something is not right” elevating stress and anxiety. Any interruption in schedule or routine (i.e. being sent home from school due to illness/missed dance) triggered feelings or fear that “it” (meaning our daughter’s onset of her panic disorder/three weeks of hospitalization) is happening all over again. Events initiated multiple panic attacks, exhaustion for parents and reminders (again) that we do not know how to parent this despite one-year of “training”. And reality/truth…there is no “training” and every day might present something new or unexpected. Second “truth”…this is also called “parenting”. And third “truth”…parenting a pre-teen during a pandemic, social unrest, age of social media (and then layer on that panic disorder) is REALLY hard! My husband and I…despite highest and best intentions…fail every day.

For the last year our daughter has been told to be brave and courageous. To be honest about how she is feeling…how a situation might make her feel. Aside from good practice we all might strive to be better at, advice was and continues to be a coping mechanism. Again, our daughter cannot carry emotional burden or stress that others may be able to carry. It is not something I necessarily understand or expect others to understand, but it is the reality of her mental illness. Something I have had to learn to except and have patience with. However, it has taught me to exercise greater patience and compassion with others recognizing we all approach situations and stress/anxiety differently. There is really no “right” or “same” way. Like everything else in life…we all manage stress and anxiety differently…and that is ok.

In addition, our daughter knows what it feels like to struggle everyday. She quietly beats down a panic disorder…every second of every day…often in silence and alone to protect herself and those around her. For others struggles might be color of skin, gender identification, a physical disability, a demographic…list goes on. She has very little patience for insensitive actions or words. Her emotional awareness and intelligence far exceeds mine and most, so there are days that I struggle with, “do I applaud her behavior or correct it?” And who is the teacher? Me or her?

I am proud of our daughter…for her courage, awareness, honesty and desire to address challenges head-on. I am learning from her…sometimes I wonder if I am learning more from her than she is learning from me. But, she is 12 and growing/learning/making mistakes…like each of us (despite our age)…every day. We talk about harnessing our “greatness”. We talk about how to best message/the right words to use, best ways to have a conversation, how words might make others feel, bringing others along, accepting truth and reality, moving on, the importance of “how you show up” and so much in life is outside our control. I tell our daughter, “Your greatness won’t look like theirs. That does not mean you are any less great.” She reminds me to look for greatness in others.