Time, Faith, Hope & Love.

It is Sunday, Father’s Day. My parents just left, our three children are playing (well, the littlest is at my feet supposedly bored with “nothing to do”…despite a room full of toys) and I believe my husband is washing his car and dog (let it be known I did not ask him to do either of these on Father’s Day).

I just sat down to write…reflecting on the last week…

Our oldest daughter has been amazing…beyond amazing…personality, light, executive functioning, maturity, independence returning more and more each day…and suddenly I do not have the same need to write or for healing as I did just months ago. I realize I feel genuinely good and at peace for the first time in a really long time. It hits me that, although I know my family is on a journey (we all are), it is gratefully and frustratingly true that time can heal…and time cannot be rushed.

I have a new hypothesis about our daughter’s mental health and experience. It is a hypothesis and I am not a medical professional. I am sharing my thoughts only as a reference or “something to consider” for other families/individuals that might be experiencing/diagnosed with acute anxiety/severe panic disorder following a traumatic event or terrifying experience. Sadly, a hunch that might only make sense after we have ruled out so many other medical diagnoses following numerous blood tests, psychological examinations, hospitalizations, physical exams, medications, supplements…etc.

As a reminder, our daughter experienced a panic attack at a well-child check on September 16, 2020. Prior to this event there were no indicators of any underlying mental health conditions or illness. Our daughters sensory system following this panic attack never relented…symptoms of fluttering/upset stomach, dizziness, feelings of being hot, racing heart, perceived shortness of breath and loss of sensation in limbs all got progressively worse within two weeks. In this short time, my husband and I were at a loss and terrified given how severe our daughter’s symptoms had gotten suddenly impacting her desire to live. Our daughter was admitted to a local hospital and for seven days waited for a mental health bed. Her symptoms got progressively worse…terrifyingly worse…nearly resulting in sedation and restraint to calm her body, mind and sensory system that was malfunctioning. From that moment on, our daughter was in-and-out of mental health hospitals for nearly two months and on various different psychotropic drugs that did not appear to do her many favors (despite best intentions). Medications made her feel worse (specifically increasing dizziness)…physical symptoms scared her…increasing her anxiety. It became a viscous cycle. The sicker our daughter felt…the greater her anxiety and the more severe and often her panic presented. I really believe her mind and body began to know only one way to function. It got stuck (of sorts)…anger, frustration, excitement and sadness all started to look and present in the same way.

I wonder…if our daughter simply had a panic attack and if her physical symptoms had been managed differently…would we be where we are today? What we have seen from the beginning is that our daughter’s anxiety and panic are most often tripped by physical symptoms (those mentioned above). We have seen much less of the reverse or anxiety creating the physical symptoms. For example…. We are seeing summer heat trip our daughter’s anxiety. We have seen high altitude (dizziness and shortness of breath) scare our daughter into a panic attack. We have seen physical exertion or activities (i.e. dancing, running or driving a go-kart) raise our daughter’s blood pressure resulting in elevated anxiety. I am starting to believe more and more that our daughter does not suffer from the severe anxiety and panic she was diagnosed with, but instead she has had to learn how to regain control and manage her body’s sensory system - disassociate physical symptoms from anxiety. It is when our daughter cannot escape or control her physical symptoms that panic occurs. So, after so many months, I truly wonder instead if we are dealing with a sensory system disorder that is inducing anxiety resulting occasionally in panic.

In addition, there are some who believe anti-inflammatories and antibiotics can help those that experience anxiety. After months of trying any and all methods (including these), I do not believe these are necessarily “treating” anything, but instead preventing illness or feelings/physical symptoms of being ill (i.e. headache or a fever) that can be associated with anxiety. Again, by calming the body…keeping the body quiet and calm…you calm the mind.

Our daughter’s inability to participate in larger group activities suddenly makes more sense. Despite her desire to participate in things like dance, the zoo or children’s museum (and tears that prove she desires to participate and mourns the loss), she often talks about it being to loud, to much commotion, scared of how she might feel…all preventing her from participating and being far from parents for the “just in case”. I truly do not believe she has anxiety about large group activities….the physical symptoms she associate with a panic attack creates anxiety or avoidance. Panic attacks are terrifying - she naturally and protectively avoids any situations that might trip her physical symptoms - we all would.

With this change in thinking or reframing, we have quieted her life. We started to peel back some of the medications and slowly re-introducing Anna to smaller/quieter activities. We are focusing on building back confidence and not fearing natural physical symptoms. Our daughter is soaring! Everyday she gets stronger and the idea of returning to bigger things gets a little easier to consider. She has not had a panic attack in weeks. Time is certainly healing.

We have a long way to go before our daughter will be operating like her peers or before her 1st panic attack last September, but there so many other beautiful things our daughter has learned along this journey that have started to present more regularly that give us so much hope and confidence that she will be ok…more than ok. I cannot begin to describe how wonderful this feels…after so many months of worry and fear.

So…I guess…time, faith, hope and love do heal. Some of these I am good at…others I am still learning….we all are.