One Year Later, the Stronger Version of Me

It is Sunday morning…sitting in my quiet office with a tea and reflecting on the week. An AMAZING week! Our daughter had some huge victories, the store saw its greatest sales volume since it opened and doors I could never have imagined are opening. So, after nearly a year, I think I am ready and it is time to weave in other stories, voices and perspectives into the conversation. I suspect you might be getting bored of hearing only from me (laughs, but true). Honestly, I am not sure I was ready to allow others to have a voice yet, but as our daughter continues to grow stronger and I start moving forward in bigger and more ways…it is time. I am ready to let other aspects of my life take priority and a greater focus. BUT, before I do just that…I want you to hear from our daughter. Nearly one year later, she asked to tell her story and share what she learned…in her voice….not mine. So, I asked her the following questions. I have edited responses only a little, so please accept the authenticate nature of the writing.

What has been the hardest thing to understand as it relates to your mental health?

I changed from “normal” to someone with a sever panic disorder so fast it has been confusing and scary. I was confused about why my body and mind will not let me do something. My panic disorder would not let me to go to dance (for example). I LOVE dance. It did not make sense and I could not control my body’s physical reactions, which were different than how I felt. It was frustrating and overwhelming. I literally could not control my behavior or my body’s physical responses….I was often embarrassed and understood my behavior was not ok…often ending up in tears. Not being able to control your body and your feelings is frightening. Most people do not understand or can relate to the irrational nature of it all. I know they were and are trying to help me. I often feel like I am letting others down and being judged for behavior that is not mine, but instead the result of my illness. I work hard every day determined to conquer this disorder. I hope others see that I am trying….I am trying so hard everyday.

How have you had to change?

I have had to change my daily routines. I approach activities differently. I used to go to dance (for example) without much thought or care. I was excited and could go easily. Now I am nervous. I am not nervous about dancing. I am nervous about what my body will do/feel and having a panic attack. There are more steps and I start prepping my mind and body hours in advance.

Also, I do not like surprises. Surprises make me nervous. But, knowing too far in advance is not always good either - I might think about it to much and my body will react in ways I cannot control. So, my parents are learning how and when to tell me things.

In addition, I always have to have a plan and take my medication in advance. These are tools that help me control my body’s automatic responses to being nervous. My plan for dance, for example, starts with a special song my mom and I play in the car on the way to dance. I like her to be visible while I am dancing. If I need her I know she is there, but more often knowing there is someone around that understands my panic disorder simply helps me keep my body and mind calm. I wear earplugs to quiet the studio music and voices - loud noises and chaos triggers my anxiety and panic. We have hand signals like baseball players. If I touch my nose my mom knows I am ok. If I touch my ear it means I am getting nervous. This means she just needs to stay close while I try and power through my anxiety. If I need a quiet moment we step out of the dance studio together. I calm my mind and body and go back in. Giving up is no longer an option. I am working hard to retrain my body and mind.

How have your relationships changed? Do you feel they have changed?

I do not feel as connected with my friends right now. I lost a year and they kept moving forward. They are at a different time and place than me. Sometimes I cannot relate. I know with time this will change, but it is really hard right now. I sometimes feel lonely.

I do not know anyone in school. I missed my entire 6th grade year….it feels overwhelming…especially as I look at returning to school in a couple of weeks. And, middle school is just awkward to begin with! :)

My anxiety and panic can sometimes cause me to say or do things I am embarrassed by or not proud of. Sometimes I might walk away from a person or situation to manage my anxiety and panic. People often do not understand this and get frustrated with me. I wish I could tell everyone to have patience with me and to forgive me. I am learning to change some negative behavior my panic disorder has caused. I just want to be who I was before all of this….in some ways…there are things I have learned that I am proud of.

Also, as far as my family - I feel closer to my mom and dad. My mom and dad have told me so many stories to help me through hard moments I feel like I know them better than I did before. Crazy to think of my parents as kids like me…chuckles.

What have you learned?

To not take things for granted. Your life can change so quickly. Do not focus on the bad or hard things in your life. Be grateful for and appreciate all the good things.

Has it taught you to appreciate other things/people differently?

I now know what if feels like to feel “different” and have a disability or something that can be disabling in some situations. My tolerance for friends/family/people treating others unkindly or unfairly is low. My mom tells me this is one of my super powers and it makes me feel brave. I often will say something or step in to help. I am not shy because I know how it feels to have something you cannot control or choose to have. I know how those being unfairly mistreated feel. I want to be a voice for them.

And I guess…despite the really hard year…a year I never want to repeat…one year later…I do know I am a stronger version of me.