A blog from a friend and woman I admire beyond measure. Amy Pahl-Zeszutek is a friend, neighbor and a mama of an autistic son with mental health co-morbidities. Amy is one of the most resourceful and strongest persons I know. She teaches me every day - many of my own blogs referencing something I quietly (maybe not so quietly) learned from her. Funny, when I mention I am balancing a full plate and need help…a woman who has two full plates…does not hesitate and sends the following blog - freeing my time to spend with my family. A great woman who understands the power of “yes” and knows even the strongest women need help.

It is okay to say, “I cannot, I need a break or I need help.” Yes…it is okay. It does not mean you or I are weak or uncaring. I am learning a great deal about the strength and courage needed to identify when help or change is needed.

My husband and I reflected last night on how much our family has adapted how we live with our oldest daughter. A choice - not necessarily. Instead, a change that quietly took hold over the last two years while we may or may not have been paying attention. Supporting a child with a mental illness is not something you do for a defined time period. It becomes your new way of life…you adapt to survive…. a necessary change to live in a suddenly modified reality.

So, I wonder…

I wonder if instead of being so focused on teaching our children differences, we should instead be focused on teaching them what makes us human and similar. Would they be more likely to move forward together rather than divided…

Our oldest and I fought our own battles last week. Different…but maybe similar. Both not well understood, misinterpreted or assumptions made that created strong headwinds and yet the choice…well, there is no choice, but to step forward into the unknown of it all.

I reflect on the Cinderella-like moment. For one night I hoped to set all our worries aside…the reality of our life…and don a gown and pearls. No, it was not a ballgown, it was a flapper dress. And no, I did not arrive by horse and carriage, but I did arrive with feathers in my hair and heart that was full and happy. We attended a 1920’s soiree benefitting youth mental health initiatives in Minnesota schools…discreetly our story was referenced, but not so discreetly I shed a few tears at the table. You would think after so much time I would get used to our changed life, but reminders that we are different are still painful.

But instead of relenting, I will continue to stand my ground and teach my children through my own actions the importance and value of self-preservation, perseverance and accountability. I will remind them that we do not lean on the excuse, we do not sit in it and we certainly do not give up or give in expecting others to fix it. Yes, I can continue to let my daughter…my children…my family lean into the disease (or mental illness)…an excuse…or I can push us into and past the discomfort. It is only if my husband and I model it, will our children learn, value and trust their own strength and perseverance. Sadly, as much as all parents might want to or wish we could, “fixing it” is not our job. But…always and forever…teaching is and will be.

A simple reminder of the power of love and strength of family. I share during a week that tested our patience and fortitude.

(a letter from my future self)

Dear Me,

Today it is January 23, 2023…

A year of struggle in which you had to regularly exercise patience, faith and trust as you continued to navigate the mental health of your children and family amongst Covid, political divisiveness and social change. BUT, you made a decision in January - a firm stance in your beliefs and actions that changed your year and future moving forward. However, before I remind you of the “change” made, it is important to reflect on the past that now defines your future. And I speak of you as an individual, woman and a mom.

This past week our daughter struggled…to the point her dad and I were again desperate for intervention and help initiating multiple conversations with her care team. BUT ALSO…our daughter soared, and you cannot help but wonder if you did or are overreacting or “what is wrong with me?”. Mental illness is a constant roller coaster and not necessarily a ride someone or a family can simply exit. One does not “get better”, but instead they (and those they love) learn how to cope and manage. It is an illness that impacts the entire family…not simply an individual. Sometimes you are in the first car of the roller coaster scared to death, eyes closed and holding your breath. Other times you are in the back with arms thrown up, eyes wide and feeling triumphant. Often the family is never in the same car…some okay…some struggling.

I wish I could say I was good at “this”. “This” meaning parenting a child with a mental illness…

The last chapter of the year…we say goodbye to the past and step into the present…the future knocks at the door.

Reflecting back, I now realize that the last year may have been about “finding me”…to help you “find you”. Yes, I realize that sounds a little self-centered, but let me continue.

…the best laid plans can and will take a “right turn”…and then a “left”. But regardless of if we are steering the ship or the current is taking us in a direction we did not anticipate, we need to trust all things happen for a reason. Do not let who we are today define who we need to be tomorrow. Life is unpredictable at best. It is how we embrace it that counts…

Diversity…equity…and inclusion (DEI).  Words that mean something much differently to me this year than this time last year.  Only one year later and yet I reflect on how much my perspective has changed supporting a child that has limitations I never grew up with. 

I sit in the leather chair near the Christmas tree looking out my frosted front window. It snowed last night. Instantly the landscape changed…the green grass is now dusted white. I have been so busy I was not even aware it was supposed to snow and suddenly my day feels different than I imagined it would. If there is truly one constant these days…it certainly is change. Sometimes exciting and often exhausting.

I look in the mirror and wonder sometimes how, why and when my life took a right turn. Like so many first-borns (that blame their parents for all our idiosyncrasies - sorry, mom and dad), I diligently handcrafted the life I wanted. Funny thing (and something you can only learn with time)…I now realize I was never in control of “the plan”. Life unfolds chapter by chapter, and different from a book, you cannot skip to the last page to know how the story ends.

Curled up in a blanket Sunday morning with a tea by the fireplace. My son to my left and our golden to my right. Life feels pretty darn blessed at this moment. I have a couple hours until I need to get the family ready for a follow-up KSTP interview. Reflecting on why we tell our story…

I thought you might like to hear from my husband/wonderful father to our children…

A very close friend and his wife recently welcomed their first baby into the world. I had told him “that will be the greatest day in your life”. As he was swaddling his newborn, he mentioned that taking care of his new daughter was “a lot of work and could not believe I did this three times”. I have been fortunate to have three “best days”. I told him to get ready…at 1 month…that’s the easy part.

Sometimes fewer words are more powerful than many. For that reason, I share the following quote…