A note to my daughter…

Honey, over the last nine months I have watched you struggle, brave and grow. I think you are quite possibly one of the bravest and strongest persons I know…wise beyond your years. I do believe your journey with mental health has taught you more than many of us can appreciate and understand…even at many years beyond your age. I hope despite all the challenges you have experienced in the last year, you someday reflect on the gift you have been given…your super power…but, let’s catch the others up…

Two days ago your dad and I made a difficult decision…a decision all three of us have worked so hard to avoid. The decision to pause dance and focus all our efforts on your mental health in an effort to get you back on the team this fall in bigger and better ways…to get you through those school doors in August for the first time since March of 2020. A decision that might appear insignificant to others, but your dad and I recognize dance is apart of who you are (you danced before you walked). We know how much you needed dance during a confusing and scary time in your life. It was your light…your connection to others when feeling lost and alone…your connection to a community and identity before you got sick…your safe space. We know, honey, how much this decision frustrates you. We are so sorry, but hope someday you understand the decision was a thoughtful one…a decision that involved many and evolved over months…a short-term loss for a long-term gain. But, I get these words hold little weight and probably little meaning for all the loss you are experiencing/have experienced in the last year.

You need to know how much stronger you are now than a month ago…three months ago…six months ago… Your tears, although difficult for your dad and I, are a sense of relief. Tears are a rational response to a loss (you did not panic). We held you as you cried…cried from all the depths of your little body for the last nine months. And then amazed us as you got up, wiped your tears and accepted the decision. And then I watched/heard you do something well beyond your years…

I walked past your room the next day following our decision and heard you say to a friend, “Do not feel sorry for me. I do not want any pity. Pausing dance was a decision my parents and I made to focus on my mental health. I might miss one competition, but I will be on the team next year - I am determined to be even better and stronger. I have so many competitions to look forward to.”

Now I cried…I cried because in the last nine months…

• You braved three ER visits.

• Experienced three extended hospital stays (two at an in-patient mental health hospital).

• Admitted twice to an Intensive Out-Patient program.

• More medications than any child should ever brave - Hydroxyzine, Ativan (Lorazepam), Fluoxetine, Guanfacine, Sertraline, Clonazepam, Predisone, Trazodone, Buspirone, more antibiotics than I can remember and up to 22 supplements (2-3 times a day for months).

• Medical visits/conversations with Children’s, Healthpartners, PrairieCare, Newbridge Clinic, Noran Neurological Clinic, Mayo, U of M Masonic’s Children Hospital, Gillette Children’s Specialty Health Center, Voyager Clinic, Acres for Life, Rogers….I am sure I have forgotten some.

• Bravely took the stage as a soloist this winter after the reality of a lost season with your team hit home.

• Missed your entire year of sixth grade.

I shed tears because, despite ALL of the above, you are owning who you are and where you are at. You are braver, stronger and wiser than most and at the young age of 12. This will be your super power. I am sorry you have had to brave the last year, but I am grateful for all the important lessons learned…for all of us. I have hoped and prayed you might be “ok”. And, I guess, I hoped your mental illness might go away or be “cured”. I realize now you are conquering it instead. I know that owning who you are and where you are at is so much more powerful than a magic “cure” or change. Be proud of who you are and all the lessons of bravery, hope and compassion you teach us. I have no doubt you will be okay…better than okay…you are and will be a gift to so many. I am excited for your future to meet you.

With pride, Mom