Lost in a Memory
I learned something powerful sitting in front of Mount Rushmore last week. No, it was not about one of our founding presidents (well, that was learned too) …but in this case, I learned something significant about our daughter’s panic disorder. Once again, I was reminded that the chapters of mental health are many and constantly changing.
The evening (at Mount Rushmore) was beautiful. We were surrounded by the tranquility of the Black Hills and stars above. I was wonderfully lost in my thoughts and peace of the moment. Suddenly our oldest daughter grabs me, “Mom…mom…mom…help me. Panic, mom, help me.” Gratefully, in this very public and visible setting I was able to hold our 13-year-old daughter, rub her back and ride the waves of anxiety and panic without it evolving into a disruptive event. For the next 30-45 minutes…one moment herself (happy, engaged and laughing) …the next trapped in a state of panic and clinging to me in an irrational state of fear even she knows does not make sense…but sadly cannot escape. Why? I asked her the next day…
Our daughter mentioned that over the past two years of trauma and life not “feeling real” (both a symptom and trigger of panic), she is experiencing a sense of “this cannot be real/I do not deserve this”. As life presents some resemblance or reminders of “life before/happiness”, our daughter is feeling anxious and unsure of her value and deservedness…hence, then reminding her of the past trauma and all the reasons she feels she is undeserving of love and happiness. Gratefully, our daughter’s trauma work is addressing these reminders by redirecting them, so they do not feel so scary and reconnect our daughter to that to which she knows in her heart to be true - that she is lovable, wanted, belongs and deserves to be happy. Trauma is simple, yet confusing. Sadly, our daughter is lost in a memory.
With strength and courage, our oldest has started Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a psychotherapy treatment designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound. If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes. The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health. If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering. Once the block is removed, healing resumes…no longer lost in the memory.
