For so long we have been searching for rationale reasons.  Why our daughter? Why suddenly and without warning?  Why a severe panic disorder?  Why are there no answers or good solutions?  Why is there no “why or even “how”?

Nearly two years later, I am just now beginning to accept there is no rational reasoning or solutioning for an illness that is often irrational.  Our family, community and even care providers continue to search for rational reasons: what triggered our daughter today, have we identified a pattern, was her blood sugar low…was there additional stress that elevated her anxiety?  The answer to all of these is always and resoundingly…yes/maybe, but not necessarily…sometimes no.

Mental illness is rarely rational or predictable.  We cannot rationalize something that is irrational, nor can we advise how our daughter’s illness might present this afternoon, tomorrow or a year from now. Behavior issue or manipulation?  No, instead coping mechanisms in advance of or in the state of perceived terror…a state of fight-or-flight.  Not behavior…an illness. In the state of a panic attack our daughter’s brain goes offline and she often disassociates. She is simply not in a rational state nor is she in control of her behaviors or emotions. Yes, there are certainly behaviors that present during a state of fight-or-flight that we are not proud of. But neither is our daughter who lives with a version of herself she cannot control…often apologizing for or hiding/avoiding out of embarrassment.

By making assumptions and attaching rational reasoning, we then believe our daughter can control her emotions or chooses the life she now lives.  We do not believe our daughter would choose the loss, pain, impaired executive functioning, physical differences and daily bullying she now experiences.  We do not believe she enjoys seeing her siblings in tears or parents exhausted beyond measure…so much so…unconditional love is sometimes shadowed by terrifying considerations no parents should ever have to weigh. Sadly, our daughter lives with the potential of these consequences every day.

We cannot simply rationalize irrational - please do not ask us or others to do so. Sometimes we just need to be in the moment with a child or individual that is desperate for comfort…for reasons they and we do not understand or can control. Rational reasoning may simply not have a place here, but heart and compassion always will.