Throughout this entire journey I have not talked much about my other two children.  I am curious if you even knew I had two other children…a boy and a girl.  The thought saddens me.  Unfairly this past year they often have found themselves in the shadows of their older sister.  Two beautiful children that quietly demonstrated strength and resilience during a time they did not understand, sometimes feared, and often felt anger toward due to the unfairness of it all. 

I reflect back to when our oldest daughter struggled most. There were times my husband and I had to ask our 9-year-old son to take his five-year-old sister into her bedroom. He knew to grab a movie, headphones and to close the door to avoid the unwelcome sounds and sights of the panic attacks that plagued our oldest.  I cannot begin to describe how that felt as a parent recognizing the insanity of the ask and horrible reason for the ask. 

In addition, I remember tears from our littlest every time we took her sister to a medical appointment.  Tears that stemmed from our oldest’s second ER visit resulting in a transfer to a local in-patient mental health hospital.  Our littlest never got to say “goodbye” to her older sister and waited 17 days to see her again.  Every time our oldest experienced a panic attack it induced fear in our littlest around the possibility that her sister would be “taken” and not come home.   I remember being in the throes of keeping our oldest daughter safe, while my heart broke for my other two children lost in the chaos of it all.  Experiencing things…being asked to do things…seeing and hearing things you would never wish for any child.

Our son is our middle child and only boy.  Always a little lost in the shuffle or understanding how and where he fits in a household full of of girls.  While we were not watching this past winter, our son found his independence and begin to thrive in the space of trust and growing respect that happens with age.  Under the guidance and care of an admirable 4th grade teacher, our son flourished as a virtual learner.  He learned responsibility, practiced time management, and began to understand the importance of commitment and consequence resulting from the failure to keep a commitment (a good lesson learned). Early this spring, our son was asked by a soccer coach during a casual recreational practice to join the traveling U12 soccer team.  Keep in mind our son was 9, so asked to not only play on a team, but three years up. I am saddened to this day that I did not see this ask coming…and somehow still surprised by it today. I simply was not as present as I wanted to be in my son’s life…should have been…and wished with all my heart I could have been. Our son is our only boy and will always have a special place in our hearts. I will forever admire his compassionate heart and wisdom beyond his years….he teaches me something new every day.

Our littlest girl or our third is our survivor. Maybe as a parent I should feel bad about this, but honestly as a first-born, I am proud of this quality and a bit envious. Our littlest is independent, strong-willed and confident. I cannot tell you how many times I have found her in the fridge (because we failed to feed her in time (according to her)), on the counter (because she needed to wash her hands, but no one was helping) or suddenly reading a book (because she taught her herself to read…tired of waiting for us). She is six years old and has “goals”…according to her. Our daughter was born happy….with a sense of humor…blue eyes…and curly blonde hair. Cute and funny…she quickly learned she could get away with just about anything. Gratefully a trait that did not “go south”, but instead created a determination and sense of “can do” I am so proud of. Now she wants to be a dancer…like her big sister. I am grateful our darling little girl still wants to be like her big sister. Thankful for the countless handmade cards with rainbows, flowers and unicorns gifted out of love and hope her big sister would be well enough to play with her again.

So, to our littlest children…

I love you! I am so proud of your strength, bravery and resilience during a difficult time. But, most importantly, you never stopped loving your sister or believing in who she was even when you may have gone days, weeks or months without seeing the sister you knew or understood. I will forever be sad for the lost time and not being as present as every mom and dad wants to be, but grateful for the independence and confidence learned…because you had to. These qualities will serve you well into the future. But most importantly, do not forget the importance of unconditional love and faith in a person. I hope someday you forget the scary and confusing moments, but forever appreciate the strength of love, importance of family and to never give up on someone you care about. I am sorry for how you had to learn these lessons, but forever grateful you did at a much younger age than most. Now you are even more special than you already were….if that is even possible.