Change that Start with Us

I have not written for months…I needed to find my voice again…a different voice. I have quietly been observing and learning from others. Overtime I have found a more confident voice and wider perspective. Hospitals and insurance providers are starting to reach out - interested in our story and perspective. So, I bravely share it…

What have I learned through our own experience and listening to others? Our children are in trouble - statistics tell us this, but in our hearts we also know it to be true. Specifically, our girls. Sadly, the reasons are obvious…and so is the solution. It starts with us - each and every one of us. This is not about them…it is about us.

First let me start by correcting a statement I have made in the past and in my book, “Finding Us”. I no longer believe that our daughter or any other child or individual that lives with anxiety and panic has an illness (at least not by traditional definition - sadly, I too was quick to label her). Yes, there are varying degrees of mental and physical wellness - I understand this. But when it comes to anxiety (specifically) - anxiety is a natural human tendency and we all manage it differently. I would argue that those with more acute versions of anxiety are actually more intelligent, aware and empathetic than most of us. They are feeling the political divisiveness, social unrest, continued fears of a pandemic, pressures created by social media and general lack of kindness, patience and empathy in a bigger way than some and maybe even most. Generally, I think children feel in a bigger way than many adults…and even more so…I suspect girls in an even greater way. We are watching girls starting to struggle around ages 10-12 at an alarming rate. The same time they are entering Middle School and being introduced to bigger responsibilities and increasing pressures. The freedoms of being a child (our purest/unhindered form) without judgement slowly disappearing.

But rather than paying attention to the rising crisis our nation is in as it relates to the mental health of our children and the reasons “why” - we tend to medicate, label, hospitalize and queue up counseling. Now, I am not saying that these tools are not needed, or value added/have a time-and-place, but they are reactive. What is the proactive solution or change our children need - and without labels or judgement? How are we empowering them, their voice, their superpowers - are we giving them ways to explore these feelings or are we suppressing them? I honestly do not have the answers - I just know it feels like we are doing it wrong.

Example: One child with anxiety has been labeled “Girl with Disruptive Behavior Disorder”. Another girl identified as “Intelligent, Acutely Aware, Empathetic Small Business Owner with Big Dreams”. Would you approach these girls differently? Do you picture them differently? Now what if I told you these girls are actually the same girl - our daughter. The first label is the system driven classifier on her IEP. As parents I cannot change this - nor can our school administrators. Already our daughter’s teachers have an opinion of her before they meet her - approaching her differently. Sadly, we had to remove our daughter from her previous school and labels/opinions/perceptions that surrounded her. She was bullied and her grades faltered. We are not alone - hearing this time and time again from families. Online and home schooling rising at a faster rate than years past.

In situation above (one example of many), did we remove barriers or just make it more difficult for our daughter? In some cases, I believe our children are lost in the maladapted system/culture and start believing they are what they are labeled and give up - the pain so great they live in fear, depression and despair. And even worse - many do it in silence and/or attempt self-harm. Those around them not paying attention or listening. But I also believe our children fear the system, therefore, keep quiet. I know I do.

I struggle applauding more mental health services. I am grateful, but I cannot applaud them. Reactive services are not the answer. Change that starts with us is the answer. We need to meet our youth where they are at and empower them. Our children are beautiful, brave and bold, but lost in a culture and systems that can longer effectively nourish and support them. So, I ask you, “what are we going to do about it?”