The anniversary of 9/16/20 or the day that changed our life is just 4 days away…this coming Thursday. The day our oldest experienced her first panic attack that transcended into an ugly panic disorder that sent our life into a tailspin we did not know how to pull out of. I wonder how the day will feel…I wonder if I will notice…I wonder if my daughter, husband or children will notice.

Our daughter has returned to 7th grade with flying colors. I have not gotten one call for help. She dances again like last year did not happen. She has many new friends just after two weeks of school…already spending less time at home and more time with girls her age. There are certainly reminders almost ever day that her panic disorder lurks in the shadows, but she/we now know how to keep it there. Most importantly…she is no longer ashamed or embarrassed by her mental illness. …often mentioning in conversation if the context justifies the reason for her changed or thoughtful (often mature beyond her years) perspective.

In addition this past week, some of our daughter’s care team indicated it is time to start paring down support noting we are ready and our daughter is stronger. Another transition or change. Although I agree we are ready, I am nervous, hesitant and maybe even a bit scared.

Between September 2020 and August 2021, we have logged a total of three ER visits, three extended hospital stays and a trip to Mayo in Rochester, MN.  We have consulted 12 different mental and physical healthcare providers considering everything from behavioral health to infectious disease(s). We have tried more medications and supplements than any child should ever brave – 40 to date (the last time I counted).  We have a medical 3-ring binder for our daughter that is bursting at the seams.

Our family had to summit a mountain before healing could begin.  We had to over-turn every rock to be ready to accept the simple truth that our daughter had a panic disorder. She had a mental illness not induced by an infectious disease and something she might brave for the rest of her life. Like many parents I think we hoped for a “reason” and quick fix or “a fix”.  We had to rule out everything before we were ready to accept the truth.  In addition, hindered by PTSD as a result of early hospitalization, traditional and clinical approaches did not work for our daughter. Our approach had to look, feel and be different. 

We surrounded ourselves by a strong, diverse and comprehensive mental and physical healthcare team.  One team that was both right for our daughter and our family.  A team that included Washington County, a medication manager, equestrian therapists, exposure therapists, a pediatric team that did not give up, insurance partners that removed roadblocks to care, our daughter’s compassionate dance studio and school counselors/administrators that cared beyond the call of duty. A team that surrounded our daughter and family 2-3 times a week this past summer working with her in our home, her dance studio and at her school.  The team met her where she needed them most (both physically and mentally). Rather than avoiding anxiety/panic attacks our daughter and family learned to shoulder them, plan for them and accept that the only way was through (not around or avoidance).  We learned not to be afraid and slowly over time we watch our daughter’s panic disorder recede into more manageable emotions and behavior. We watched her confidence return and fear recede.

Exposure Therapy has been a game changer!  Results almost instantaneous!  Jury is out on if medications were ever needed or help.  But even if a placebo effect – then you might say they help. 

Finding the “right” team took us nine months with many partners along the way that steered and supported. Finding this team was not easy…and then layer in months of waiting “to be seen” in a healthcare system that is under-resourced and overwhelmed. Mental health is unpredictable. Trying to predict care needed now or in the future is a gamble…you throw the dice hoping all those partners will be there if or when you might need them….very possible they will not. At the same time, I know there is another child and family that needs them more. I know because one year ago this coming Thursday…that family was us. So, on the anniversary of of 9/16/20, we will bravely share the team that saved our daughter with another family that finds themselves in a tailspin. Gratefully, I know now it is possible to pull out of the tailspin...to fly again. The horizon is beautiful, expansive and full of possibility.

Never give up hope you will find the team that will help you “pull-up”.