Dear Daughter,

The last chapter of the year…we say goodbye to the past and step into the present…the future knocks at the door.

Reflecting back, I now realize that the last year may have been about “finding me”…to help you “find you”. Yes, I realize that sounds a little self-centered, but let me continue.

While what I thought was a mom helping her daughter find her way in a new way…may have been the exact opposite. Another gift you quietly bestowed upon me this past year. Maybe you realized before I did that only after I found peace and comfort in our changed life, could I truly be there for you. And it was hard…still is. But I now realize how much I needed to learn, and still need to learn, to be the mom you need me to be. I realize more than any other time in my life how messy and unfair life can be, but also the beauty and strength only we can discover if we choose to. And do not be fooled - I am no expert and this will be ongoing work…never perfect. That is just the way life is…messy and always changing.

But now…I need you to “find you”. This is not something I can do for you, despite all my efforts and desire to shoulder the burden. You have to do this on your own. That is my learning…my realization…and gift to you. Those you love will support you, be your cheerleaders, provide you the tools and hold you accountable to both your dreams and mistakes. Listen and respect them as their love is unconditional. But they cannot “find you” for you. This is something you have to do. Your road might be a little tougher than most, and I recognize that feels unfair. Yes, you can be mad, but what does that gain you?

Darling, you are lost right now and letting an illness control you. Yes, living with a mental illness is a roller coaster, frustrating and exhausting, I get it. We have some good days and we have some bad days. It is not about “getting better”, it is about getting “stronger”. I am scared too, but I have seen your strength, courage and determination - your accomplishments, despite an illness, are many. Yes, you might be different today than you were year ago, but so are the rest of us. You are not unique. This again is called life. It is what you choose to do with the life you have and who you are today that counts. It will define you as you move forward. I need you to look in the mirror and see the same beautiful, strong and courageous girl I see. Do not shy away from her - she is going to do amazing things. Do not give up on her as I will never give up on you. But I do need you to “find you” and embrace her. Only then will you start to truly heal and embrace the person you are meant to be…not who you were.

Love, Mom